Our last shots, and a Mother's Guilt.

I will never ever forget today. This day will stay in my mind and my heart forever. The look on my baby son Callym's face will forever be in my mind somewhere. It was a day of guilt and sadness. A lesson in a mother's daily life about the hardships, trauma, and things that I guess just happen when you are a mother.

We had our very last appointment for our very last shots today. Rabies. A deadly and always fatal disease if not immunized for, and sometimes even still fatal without proper treatment. Rabies, an unlikely disease. But so scary and really, who knows. Without going into the very lenghty and contriversial debate about immunizations (one which I am ironically against), let me just say that, after a long descusion with my beautiful husband, we decided that this was a smart decision. We are trying to be as prepared as possible for all the things unknown.

I hate needles. I hate them with a passion. I get anxious, and nervous, and want to run out of the room screaming. Callym on the other hand, well, I just don't know of a single word in the human language that would describe his fear of them. This is troublesome. How do you prepare a 4 year old for this. I thought of not telling him, of blind-folding him and leading him into the Doctors office not knowing anything until the final secound. I thought if we gave him candy that would help. We tried to explain to him that this was the last one. THE VERY LAST ONE!!! He gets anxious even thinking about it. The last one he freaked out so much that the Dr. had to put it in his ass. That was tramatic enough! But today was more than tramatic. As I said, it will haunt me forever.

We started by talking about all the other things that we would do today. After all, we were dropping off Twinkle Twinkle (the cat) at her new temporary home. This would be the last time we saw her in a few months. We planned to take her to the pet store to pick out some treats and toys. He was happy, but within secounds would bring up the needles again. At least the appointment was early, 9:30, so the day wouldn't be spent waiting and waiting for it. We made it to the Dr.'s in time, and took Callym to pick out some treats before. I thought that would help. A treat of sugar first thing in the morning is usually a good way to get your kids to behave. But once we were waiting in the waiting room his anxiety worsened. I tried to make a plan with him. I would let him open his candy before the shot so that he could be eating it and the same time, he could look right into my eyes instead of the needle, and squeeze my fingers until they popped, and maybe it wouldn't hurt as much. This seemed like a good idea to him, until we got into the room. THE ROOM.

This is when thing turned tramatic for me, nevermind my poor Callym (only he know's what this has done to him). He didn't want the Dr. to give him the needle. He wanted someone else. Was this because of the butt shot last time? He started shaking a little in my lap, and I could hear his breathing quicken. The Dr. came in and noticed this immediatly, so he told us that he would get everything ready outside to not upset him even more. This is when Callym got off my lap and asked me in the most scared little voice ever that he wanted me to help him hide, mom, can you please help me hide. I didn't know what to do. He started backing into a corner when I grabbed him and hid him inside my jacket telling him that I would protect him. Me. I would protect him? The one who made the appointment and decided that we needed these shots in the first place? I would protect my precious baby, when I myself was now crying. How could any mother that loves her children do this?

- now please, before you email me, I know. I know that we made the right decision to get the shots. I know that I am protecting my children. I'm not sure if Callym will get over this, but this is what I hope. I know that he's just a child, and doesn't know, but please. If you are a mother, you will know what I am talking about. You will know this guilt in some way or another, from a situation that you have been in once. -

I asked him to look at me, to listen to me closely. He looked up, with horrible tear soaked fear in his eyes, and asked again for me to help him hide. He asked if the Dr. could see him. I told him no. I told him that everything would be ok, and that I loved him so much. He hid his face into my jacket more. I wrapped my shaking arms around him, and hoped that we could both disapear. It took all of my strength to keep sitting in the chair and not bolting through the door to safety.

The doctor came in. Chris had opened the door so that Callym wouldn't hear him come, but he did. He started to shake more, and I needed to get a grip of his arm so that the needle could be done. I was shaking now, and Oscar was starting to pick up on it. Oscar, he is the brave one. He get's this from his father. At all previous appointments, all he did was sit there with the bravest little man face, and take that cute little quick breath in when the shots were given. Not even a tear, not one. But oh my Callym, I am now holding his arm tight, as he is pleading NO NO NO, and it's done. I'm crying and he's crying. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but it can't be good for me. Oh miracle of miracles it's done. And he wants to get out of there as soon as possible. I don't even have my needle out of my arm when he is dragging me out. Still crying, but releaved, I think.

As we enter the waiting room, I hear for the first time Oscar crying, and wonder.....

Will any of us ever get over this day. The day that should have been happy, because today was the day of our last shots?